Exactly a year ago, I was ranting on how unproductive my holiday was and how not excited I was for my 21sr Birthday. This year, I'm glad to say that I've spent my holiday working at a job that I enjoy and have learnt a lot from, a job that I can continue to do despite school and probably for the rest of the near future. There has been it's ups and downs, but as of now all is going well and I feel welcomed into this little working family, unlike the very political workforce many experience.
I'm starting my final year in NTU tomorrow, or rather, later. I'm kind of looking forward become FYP planning has already kicked off last semester and I'm excited to reach the end product that I've envisioned. Just hoping that the entire journey will be smooth sailing and fulfilling.
With every passing semester, I feel as if I have less and less friends. Some have graduated before me, some getting busy with their own lives and just losing the contact that we used to have. Sometimes I feel like others don't put in the same effort that I do to maintain a friendship. Yes you are busy with your own stuff but so am I. I'm getting tired of always being the one putting in one sided effort into my friendships. I really wonder how some of my circle of friends would have turned out if I hadn't been involved.
Once again, my birthday is around the corner and I'm not looking forward to it as usual. I hate the expectation that you naturally have when my birthday is approaching. When there's expectation there's disappointment, yet if i force myself not to have any expectations, the thought of letting my supposedly special day of the year just go by like any other day just makes me even sadder. What is the significance of having a birthday? What is a satisfactory Birthday celebration? What am I supposed to expect from a birthday? It's not about the material privilege I may get on my birthday, it's the treatment I get from the people around me to show that they care and love me, and hence celebrate my existence marked by this particular day. Every year the effort that goes into a so called 'celebration' seems to be diminishing, as if it has become an obligation. Why.
Today, what you told me made me tear. I literally felt my heart sink. It's as if I really didn't matter.
There are a million excuses in the world, but if you truly mean something it will show. I hate that disappointment exists as a feeling.